October Check-In: Family A

We are officially more than a month into attempting to live our values daily.  For those of you not following the monthly check-ins, our family chose to attack one value set at a time, with quality time with kith and kin being our first value goal.  While not meeting the lofty goal of living this value daily, there have been some notable changes:

 

lead_720_405
Photo:  Edmon De Haro; article can be found at https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/07/the-dangers-of-distracted-parenting/561752/

We, the parents, are more aware of our engagement with the kids.  I noticed we spent less time on our phones or computers, engaged one another and the kids in conversations, and had less family movie nights this past month than we have in several months.

We, as a family, have been purposeful in planning our weekends to ensure we had time for family activities that were enjoyable.  This required a good deal of sacrificing on all sides (no dissertation work on weekends till kids went to bed for me, less time with friends for my husband, and skipping a sleep over for our oldest.)  Everyone agrees it was worth it.  We played at the playground on the zipline and the climbing wall, went to the circus, cooked and ate dinners together, went to sports games as a whole family even when it wasn’t necessary, and hosted get togethers with friends and family.  Our weekends were truly focused on kith and kin.

When having our monthly family meeting, the kids shared that they were happy with this experiment so far.  They shared they felt “more important” and “more loved” over the past few weeks as my husband and I took the time to connect with them over their interests and in a conscious manner.  It means something to them that we consciously chose playing with them over sitting and talking to one another, or working on our school/work projects.

Moving forward, we plan to continue forward with our momentum towards the goal of engaging in activities focused on kith and kin this month, but also focused on learning and growth in some way, shape or form.   The kids requested hiking, exploring the world around them, and learning skills they would need “to survive by ourselves in the woods.”  We, the parents, have our goal of providing the kids with the kind of learning experiences they are requesting and increasing our own knowledge of gardening and canning in such a way that we are also enjoying quality time with one another.  (Secondarily, I have made it a goal to actually look up the answers to all the questions the kids ask that I don’t know and say “let’s google it when we get home.”  Starting with this:  the horses we saw the other day were probably wearing coats because they had been recently bathed, the owner didn’t want them to get dirty, or they had a recent hair cut and may have been a bit chilled.)

skills_for_kids-1
We’ll let you guys know if the kids are ready for the Zombie Apocalypse come next month 😉

What have you always wanted to learn?  What’s stopping you?  Is there something you can do this next month to grow in your learning, knowledge, abilities in some small way?  Join us!

Talking To You Kids About Values…or anything else important

In my line of work, that of therapist who works predominantly with children, adolescents, and families, a question I often get asked by parents is “how do we talk about this stuff with them?”  ‘This stuff’ includes the dangers of the world, family secrets, bad news, changes…really anything important that parents fear will either upset their child or be difficult to discuss.

Note of caution:  This sounds easy.  It is not.

You may be asking what that has to do with talking to your kids about values…which are arguably more positive than those talking points listed above; however, the mechanics of thorough, deep, and dyadic conversations with your children about good topics are the same as those about bad topics.  So, here we go:

Step 1:  Take some time to think about your reactions to what you want to discuss with you children (in this case values, but in other cases it may be something you have very strong emotional reactions to).  Gain awareness of your biases about the subject, your emotional trigger points, your deeply held beliefs.  Think about the message you want your child to hear from you.  Formulate it in your mind, making sure it is running around your head in an age appropriate way.  For example:  “when you love something or someone, or want to spend your time doing something, that shows you value it or them” or “if you were the nicest person in the whole world, what would you be like?  Oh, you would help others?  That means you value helping” would be more appropriate for a child than the Webster Dictionary definition of “a value represents your principles or standards of behavior.”

Note of caution:  This sounds easy.  It is not.  Make sure you set aside time to really reflect prior to talking to your child.  (This is EXTRA important if talking about subjects that are emotionally charged for you.)

Step 2:  If you have a partner in parenting, you two should both do step one and then come together to discuss as a couple.  You do not need to agree with one another completely, but you do need to have the same message for your child.  It’s also helpful to not be blindsided by your partner’s differing views on the subject in the midst of trying to address it with your children.  This is by no means saying you can’t discuss differing views with your children (in fact, I greatly encourage that!)–but that is much easier to do after you have already hashed it out with your parenting partner.

Step 3:  Set aside a time to talk with your child about the subject.  Nobody likes being brought into a serious conversation without a heads up….even kiddos!  Something as simple as, “Hey bud, today after school, we are gonna have a family discussion about living our values” could be enough, or if you already have established family meetings you can discuss it during that time.  For children or adolescents who are often on the defensive, something as simple as “I had a thought yesterday and I want to hear what you think about it.  Let’s talk about it tonight as a family” could work.  Make sure you pick a time that works for everyone and is adequate enough for the topic, without the possibility of being cut off by an activity.  For example, don’t discuss a big, emotional topic before the start of the school day, if you can help it.

Step 4:  Give your children a chance to define values themselves before you provide your definition.  When individuals buy-in to an idea, a project, or a decision, they are much more likely to actively participate.  This is also true for children.  Your child has grown up in a society where the word “value” is everywhere.  It is helpful to understand their worldview of the topic, both so you can challenge mistaken assumptions, and so you can speak their language.  If you child says “a value is something I spend time doing” you can use that as a jumping off point for discussion, “Okay, great start! What do you spend your time doing?” This allows you to get to the heart of their value while using their words. “I spend my time playing with my friends” will then tell you they value friendship without you having to ‘correct’ them on the exact definition of values.  This is helpful in other situations, such as having children define death, divorce, stranger danger, bad vs. good friends, etc. when beginning some of those more difficult discussions highlighted above.

Step 5:  Validate, validate, validate.  This is a vastly underused skill by not only parents, but people in general.  This is where, regardless of what your child says and whether or not you agree with it, you acknowledge that it is how they feel in the moment.  For example, my son has been known to say, “I don’t like your or love you” when he is angry with someone.  A validating response could simply be parroting his statement “You don’t like me or love me right now” or could address the underlying emotion “You are pretty mad at me right now.”  While you may have many other things you want to say in that moment, they can wait until after your child feels heard.  Often validation takes the emotional re-activeness of you child down several notches, while attempting to refute, challenge, or lecture raises it.  In terms of values, your child may say something like “I value my dolls” or “I value my dog.”  While these may not be things you value, or you want your child to value; they are, in fact, what your child currently holds as valuable in their mind.  A validating response is, “You really like to spend time playing with your dolls” or “You value your pet, he makes you happy.”  More often than not, simply validating their statement will lead to further conversation that is more in line with where you, as the parent, were hoping to go.

Step 6:  Check for understanding.  As you talk with your children, chances are the conversation will move quickly and erratically–especially if you have multiple children all trying to be heard.  As you go, take mental or physical notes and return to murky, unfinished lines of conversation.  Make sure you really understand each of the children’s definitions of values and their personal lists of what is valuable.  Ask them if you have it right.  If you are losing their interest, checking in and getting it completely wrong is often a fun way to bring them back to focus.  Something like this works well with little kiddos: “Okay Jay.  Let me know if I’ve got this right; you value sleeping upside down while eating popcorn?” With adolescents, in a teasing voice, “So, you value family and want to spend every waking moment hanging out with us, right?” may work better.  **Caution:  when using this technique to maintain attention, you need to know your kids and use what works for them!**

Step 7:  Come up with a plan.  There is no reason to have serious and/or difficult conversations with your children if there is not end result.  In the case of talking about values, the obvious end result is then to find a way to live the values.  In the case of some of the more difficult dialogues, it is often for a behavior change to occur or a level of understanding and insight to begin to arise so the plan would be how the child will display those changes/awareness in a certain time frame and what the parents role will be in following through.  Make the plan something your family WILL achieve.  Don’t reach for the stars at first, take small, measurable, easily attainable steps so everyone feels successful.

Step 8:  Allow time for questions.  Children like it when life is predictable; so any change, as small as it may seem to us can feel overwhelming to them.  When we discussed values, my children were worried living the values would be hard and extra work.  Take the time to talk through their questions and their worries and to gently challenge some of their misconceptions.  I strongly urge families to use as much transparency and honesty as they feel comfortable with when engaging their children in difficult dialogues.  Children often sense discomfort and discontent and will make up their own stories for why these feelings are within the home AND often these stories are worse than the reality.

Step 9:  When applicable, remind each other about your plan.  When at a decision crossroad, such as “should we go to church today” or “should we grab pizza on the way home”, remind one another of your discussion of values and whether that falls into a value.  If you had a plan based on changing behaviors or gaining awareness, acknowledge when such changes are occurring and praise your child and yourselves.

Step 10:  Review your progress frequently.  Remember to come together as a family regularly to check in on your progress.  Are you meeting your goals?  Does everyone feel supported?  Is this plan making positive changes for you and your family?  There is no point having difficult discussions and creating plans if you are not then checking for progress and redirecting as needed.

Any big conversations you need to/want to have with your children?  Did you find any of these steps helpful?  Comment below and feel free to try to discuss values with your children following these 10 simple steps.

Ashley E. Poklar, M.Ed, Postdoctoral Psychology Fellow

September Check-In, Family “D”

When my husband and I heard about this implementing values in our family’s lives more intentionally, we jumped right in to be a part of it.

“…but the reality is we did not set time aside to do it, period”

Of course, a month, or maybe even two, has gone by and we have yet to sit down and talk about what those values will be or are. It seems as if whenever we are called to do something positive and sacrificing at all, whether it be for ourselves, our family or others, everything and anything gets in the way. I could sit here and give all the excuses of how this last month TRULY was one of the most hectic months we’ve had (which is why we were unable to have our sit-down conversation as a couple and family about what our values are), but the reality is we did not set time aside to do it, period.

Due to only getting our children every other weekend as of right now, we will need to wait to have the conversation as a family until next weekend.  In the mean time, when my husband can sit still from working and traveling so much before our little girl comes at the end of the month, he and I will sit down together and communicate our goals and values as a unit. At times, as I’m sure you all experience, it feels impossible to sit down and calm our minds down to place where we can speak on these topics.

grayscale photography of people walking in train station
“it feels impossible to sit down and calm our minds down to place where we can speak”              Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

This project of instilling much needed values will be a great thing for us to say the least! He and I were excited about this project, because many times we have spoken about ideas and goals we would like to attain with our children, and as a married couple. A few of those include: intentional prayer together as a couple and family (aside from just the “prayer before meals” kind of prayer), kindness incentives for the kids, as well as us as parents, respect, etc. We are very excited to act on these desires we have had, and live out these values for our family, rather than just speak on them. We also look forward to getting back to you all with our written down values which we will acquire here very soon. 🙂

September Check-In; Family “C”

          We were approached by our close friends to take part in an evaluation of our values, with a challenge to live them more consistently. In accepting the invitation, my wife and I thought it would be best to talk about this journey over a family dinner, with our children. Once we were seated at the table, Mom and Dad introduced the idea and told the kids about the invitation that we accepted. We then asked our kids to define, “values”. A value was defined (for the sake of our journey, put your dictionary down!) as a trait or characteristic that helped to guide your actions, consistently.  This was a fun discussion which allowed us to better understand our family’s idea of values and what our kids found to be important.

“Our son was the first person to choose his value. He stated that he appreciated Loyalty.”

After defining, ‘value’, we all threw out some ideas on what our primary values should be. After a fair bit of discussion, we thought asking each person to identify their most important value would be a great place to start our journey. After all, we can change or add values as we embark on living them more fully. Our son was the first person to choose his value. He stated that he appreciated Loyalty. When we asked him to clarify his meaning, he told us that being loyal to family and friends (his verbiage: “to the people closest to you”) can help others to feel appreciated. When we understood his approach, we agreed that this would be a great value with which to guide our actions.

Mom was next and her top value was Teamwork. Mom is currently pregnant, works nights, and is often operating on very little sleep. She works her tail off to take care of the kids, husband, household and her very best friend, Jessie the dog (Actually, she hates that dog!). We discussed the importance of jumping in to help complete household chores. Our kids have repeatedly stated that they didn’t want to clean up a mess that wasn’t made by them personally. We discussed the importance of sharing the responsibility of the house and land, while looking after each other if one or two people are doing the work required of a growing family. Not only does a shared responsibility help save time, it creates an environment of shared trust and support; no more grey man! Additionally, we discussed how this value can be closely tied to Loyalty with our friends. Using Teamwork to overcome obstacles or meet goals creates a tighter bond with your teammates. We all agreed that a loyal teammate is someone that we all strive to be.

We found it interesting that our daughter suggested the idea of Safety/Security(her verbiage: “Feeling safe”) as something she valued. This was perplexing, as we live in a safe ‘country’ neighborhood and we thought that she was surrounded by an abundance of safety at home, school and otherwise. She went on to say that safety was important for everyone because it allows them to share ideas more clearly. When we asked her to clarify, she said that she feels more comfortable sharing information with her family if she feels safe, physically and emotionally.  Maslow would be proud!

“We decided that using Respect is critically important to holding each other accountable for our family values.”

Finally, Dad threw out the value of Respect. We discussed the perspective of that value and how it tied neatly into the others. While we want to create a physically and emotionally safe environment and support each other by being loyal teammates, we need to do this in a respectful manner. When speaking to other family members (Yes, Mom, including the dog…*Mom glares) or our friends, we need to be aware of our audience. Understand another person’s perspective and use an appropriate tone when speaking to them, for instance. We also tied in the respect of our house, similar to that discussed in our paragraph about Teamwork. We decided that using Respect is critically important to holding each other accountable for our family values. When discussing issues or values with other family members, it is important to remember to be present in the conversation (no phones!), and be clear but respectful about feedback. Being respectful is also the responsibility of the listener to check emotions and be open to the thoughts of the speaker.

We are looking forward to exploring these values, implementation and feedback over the coming months. We’re excited to share this journey with our other friends and any readers.

Meet The Families

Each family is uniquely its own mini culture, with its own set of values and its own way of teaching these values to the next generation and of upholding its values.  Each family is made of at least two different value systems, thought often many more.  Because of this, the make up of the family matters, the experience, the history, the number of children, the parents jobs, etc., etc., etc.  All of this matters, and so much more.  So, as you join us on our journey, please take a moment to get to know us, each family, our make up, our unique dynamics and set up.  As we go forth, monthly compilations will be written taking these unique pieces into consideration as we explore how values are lived in different families.

So, meet the families!

 

Family A
Family “A”

Family “A” Profile:

Three early elementary school children, one preschool child, and two married parents. Children attend private faith-based schools.

Mom – Mom is (almost) a Doctor of Psychology with a background as a special education teacher in the southern United States. She was raised in a poor family in the southern United States.

Dad – Dad is an executive at a small (200 people) corporation. He is working on his Business Doctorate. Dad was raised in the Midwest in an upper-middle class home and had his attitude appropriately readjusted at The Citadel.

 

Family “B” Profile:

Three children, one early elementary school age,

Family B
Family “B”

one pre-K aged, and one infant. Oldest child attends public school, in an excellent school district while middle child attends faith based school.  Family attends a local church. Mom and Dad have a notable age gap.

Mom – Mom is a Nurse Practitioner and has spent her career in the medical field. Mom grew up in Germany and immigrated to the United States in her twenties.  She grew up in a blended family.

Dad – Dad works in construction and facilities. Dad grew up in the Midwest and was raised in a middle-class, blended family home.

 

Family “C” Profile:

Two (soon to be three children): one early teenager

Family C
Family “C”

from a previous relationship, but the child grew up with mom and dad from year one, one elementary school-aged, and one infant soon to arrive. Both children attend private school, the elementary school age child attends a faith-based school.

Mom – Mom is a nursing student and splits her time between being a very pregnant mom and a care giver in the medical field. Mom grew up in a lower-middle class family in the inner-city in the Midwest.

Dad – Dad is a former Recon Marine Officer who manages special programs at one of the top three rated hospitals in the United States. Dad grew up in the Midwest in an upper-middle class home where he received lots of “motivation” from his Uncle, a 30-year time in service, Chief Petty Officer.

 

Family “D” Profile:

Two (soon to be three children): two elementary

Family D
Family “D”

school aged and one infant arriving in a few weeks. The children attend public schools and a local church. Family D is blended from dad’s previous marriage. The two children split their time between Family D and their biological mother’s home (with live in boyfriend). Mom and Dad have a notable age gap, and this is a very faith-based family.

Dad – Dad retired from an 18-year career split between the Navy and the Army. Dad spent his last ten years in the Army as a member of a Tier 1 SMU. Dad and mom married after dad retired from the Army. Dad is an executive at a small organization. Dad grew up in the Midwest with his grandparents and mother.

Mom – Mom is a full-time counseling graduate student who grew up in a middle-class home in California. Mom previously worked as a counselor and is very faith driven.

 

September Check-in: Family “B”

When we were asked to take part in “Living your values every day”, we thought it would be a quick and easy project. Well, it was not that straight forward after all… it turns out we have been taking our values for “granted”. We never sat down and listed them out, defined them, much less talked about them at any length.

At first it was a little tough choosing the values that we wanted to focus on for this project, there are so many values and none of them are “bad”. My wife and I both came up with a list of values that we prioritize (thankfully we agreed on them all). As we worked through the list of values, we noticed that some we were already living daily and others we really haven’t – hopefully working through this project will help us improve purposefully living those neglected values.

background beautiful blossom calm waters

Once we had our list, we thought of a way to display them in our home. We hope that this would help us be reminded of our values and decided to create a “value tree” for this purpose. We will use the tree’s trunk, branches, and leaves to help portray our family’s categorized values. Hopefully, creating our value tree will also engage our children in this project and help them understand and remember the values that we as a family would like to focus on every day.

(We will post an actual image when we are done creating the tree as a family.)

 

September Check-In “Family A”

We chose to start this journey by taking the following steps:

1.  Talked to the kids about values and what they value.

2.   We (the parents) discussed our value systems and identified five core values (or, perhaps value families) that we would like to focus on as a family.

3.   Planned an initial approach to living our values daily from both a monthly and weekly approach.

4.   Talked with the kids again to have them provide input to the weekly goals we, the parents, set.

In the first step, I (mom) took charge of the conversation, mostly due to my educational/professional background (you can read more about that in the upcoming post, “Meet the Families”) and because my husband tends to talk about values from a big, historical perspective that little minds have a hard time wrapping themselves around 😉

Good, albeit surprising, news is that we have been living our values to some extent…or at least talking about them enough that our kids picked something up.  All four kiddos identified “family” as being a value, with all but the youngest also identifying helping others (animals and/or people in need) as a second important value.  They all suggested spending more time with family and friends as a way to more purposefully live their identified values.

 

Kiddo #1:  “Will our lives still be normal?”      Kiddo #2:  “Is this going to be more work for us?”                                            (Shutterstock.com)

 

Interestingly, the two oldest both voiced some concern
over how this new family endeavor, living our values everyday, might impact or change their lives and worries over it feeling like additional chores.  To which I replied, “It should change our lives, but it should be for the better.”  They seemed to buy it…let’s hope I was right!

That discussion out of the way, with the kids top values identified, it was time for my husband and I to come to a consensus.  I knew it would be tough, mostly due to our differing views of the time frame in which values matter–he sees it through a historical and cultural lens while I view it through a much smaller familial lens.  So, I did what one should always do when expecting a long night of deep thought and conversation; I cracked open a bottle of rose and grabbed my favorite pen and got comfy on the couch.  Here is what we came up with, after repeated (and probably annoying) questioning on my part to encourage my husband to actually identify specifics in values and not just use overarching words like “Culture” and “Faith”.  This seems to be the difficulty in discussing values, we use value-based, ambiguous words, and try to make these words hold similar meanings and intrinsic worth for everyone–it just doesn’t work that way.  We came up with five core values (or value families) that we would like to instill in our children, all of which house many secondary values. The use of value families will allow us to live the values utilizing various approaches aiming at various secondary values.  Here is what we came up with:

*Kith and Kin:  family, both immediate and extended, and family of choice, through prioritizing, spending meaningful time with, and engaging in supportive relationship building.

*Learning:  structured and unstructured, critical thinking, modeling and encouraging questioning–even of authority, increasing curiosity, formal and informal educational experiences

*Duty to Community:  aiding in development of others, giving to others, identifying and using your gifts to support others, identifying needs of community and feeling empowered to do something

* Spirituality:  moral code, faith, religiosity, meaning in things greater than ourselves and awareness of our place in world

*Personal Development:  always seeking to better self, health, wellness, diet, exercise, learning, growth inwards, upwards, and outwards

With those five value families; I feel that we have more than enough to keep us busy over the next year as we attempt to live our values everyday.  Though I wanted to be my typical overachiever self and try to live each every month, my husband pulled me back to reality and suggested starting with one value family at a time and purposely implementing it for a month then reviewing and revisiting.

We chose to start with “Kith & Kin” and made the goal of spending time each weekend in a purposeful activity with our children; one in which we are completely emotionally, intellectually, and physically present in our interactions with them.  That means no phones, no movie night, no kids doing their thing while we hang back and do ours.  Not that those activities are wrong or bad, just that they were not as purposeful in supporting the value of kith & kin as we wanted.

We again went to the kids and had a family discussion regarding “what would you like mama and dada to do with you guys this weekend?”  This is a discussion we plan to have every weekend in September with the goal of creating an experience for the kids each weekend that highlights and embodies the value of kith & kin based on their input.

Week 1?  the local farm park’s corn maze!

We’ll check-in in about a month and let you all know how it went attempting to live the value of kith & kin purposefully this month.

 

How this all began…

              Much like identity is often not completely and purposely formed, neither are our values.  Most of us have been indoctrinated by generations of “this is how we do it, it’s how it has always been done.”  However, living that way has left me feeling lost, and purposeless.  I get caught up in the day to day grind, the endless days of cooking, cleaning, bedtimes, laundry and I realize that something is missing.  What is my purpose?  My family’s purpose?  How are we teaching our children that there are things in life that are more important than cooking, cleaning and laundry?  How are we teaching them to get the most out of life while also giving the most?  Are we truly living and teaching our values and how to live them? 

I found myself asking what are our values as a family?  Hell, what are values?  We throw the word around ALL the time.  We judge others and ourselves by our values, make big life-altering decisions, fight wars, choose life-mates, and die by our values.  But, what are they?  Where do they come from?  How are they transferred from generation to generation?  I know the big, easy answers to these questions, but not sure how it works in my life, with my family, on a daily basis. 

And, that is the challenge for us, and for each of you, should you choose to accept it:  to understand our own value systems, identify those specific values we want to hold onto and pass on to the next generation, and to purposely teach and live those values.

 

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining us!  This blog has been created to follow four families as they attempt to live their values everyday for a full year (beginning September 1, 2018).  Check in weekly for updates and monthly for an analysis of the progress of the four families.  And, always, feel free to contact us, to join us by living your values everyday, and to share your stories and experiences with us as well.

Let’s all try each day to live a little more purposely, so we can all live a little more fully.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

post